We have just finished our Christmas Eve dinner. It's suddenly Christmas and I did not realize how fast days are passing. I have some free time and I have so many things to do that I'm doing nothing. Meeting people, greeting Merry Christmas, trying to not forget anybody and so on. It's sure that this is a new Christmas, very different from the last. My family tradition are the same, but maybe I'm a different person, with a different life.
Christmas is the time you have to spend with the ones you love, isn't it?

Yesterday someone has stolen my ipod from my backpack. I had a bad exam. I was disappointed and pissed off. Today I had another exam, it was tough but I'm still alive. I'm walking on.
I'm positive, I went through worse things.

I'm going to live a long tough week. I spent ten weeks just studying, attending courses and trying to understand topics. After having an almost-six-year university career it's quite hard to start again as if i never had studied anything. This is the day before the beginning of my 4-exam-week. I'm unexpectedly calm,  nevertheless I'm exhausted and I need to go out, breathe fresh air, look at the sun. I have nothing to lose, maybe I could lose my face, but who cares? This will be not my life for ever.

These are strange days. It's not the first time I study for an exam. I'm studying with a different mind. It depends on what I'm gonna do after this. I've chosen  my pathway in same way. I've a long list of what I don't wanna be. 

The last two days were more strange than ever. Different people tell me how special I am. No question about the fact that they love me (or maybe they don't know me enough), but the question is that to fell esteemed we need to be told by someone in particular. And probably they will be the ones who will never ever tell the truth. Where have we failed? What did I do wrong?  Local non-satiated preferences, in Economics.We should appreciate ourself and not rely on someone's else judgement, especially because they don't care about you at all.

This does not seem to be the case, good grief. 

The first time I heard this song was short time ago. A dear friend of mine posted this video on my Facebook Timeline. I appreciated it at once, but without thinking about the lyrics. This evening I was getting ready and on the radio I listened to this song. I had a lightbulb moment. I thought about the song until I came home again. I read the lyrics and they caught me unprepared. I looked for the Italian translation just to be sure I had understood anything. I  perfectly did get it all. This is my hymn.

"And I found you with a bottle of wine 
Your head in the curtains 
And heart like the fourth of July" 

The 4th of July was a day so important for me. Somewhat my life changed and I found myself braver. I remember of that moment as the one in which I jumped over the wall and I finally decide to take care of me and take the best.

"My head is on fire 

But my legs are fine 
Cause after all they are mine 
Lay your clothes down on the floor 
Close the door 
Hold the phone 
Show me how 
No one's ever gonna stop us now"

In this period of my life when I feel like everything is screwing up and I'm running in circle, I know I still have my legs and I can walk and carry on.

"When we're miles away 

So we'll come 

We will find our way home..."

I'll always come back. But before I need to find my way home. Somewhere is my home,  I know. I've only to carry on.

Doors. It' s always about doors. I should have kept open some of them and other ones should have been closed or never been opened. So the question is always the same: what the hell do I have to do?
A guy at university says me that I'm always smiling so it seems I'm not a boring person. He is a kind guy and maybe he's right. 90% of time I just smile because it's free and I think it's better give positive energy instead of bad one. People trust me. Even if I have a lot on my plate right now and I'm not sure about my future, I think I'm still a positive person outside. People need someone who says "don't worry, everything's going right" and this is who I am. Ok, this post is supposed to be about doors. I don't know if mine are still closed or open. I'm just trying to float, I feel like nothing is  for ever, each relation I'm building as well.

I read a book by Alessandro Baricco, it's called "Ocean Sea". I read it in 2002 for the first time. I was a very young adolescent with a lot of hang-ups. I was in love with my best friend and I suffered because my love wasn't returned. He lent me this book and I read and I remember I loved every page of it. 

Then life goes on. 

I had a 6-year-relationship with another guy. He didn't like Alessandro Baricco, so I've never read anything anymore by him.

We broke up and I bought my book copy ten years later. I still love it.

I think that there is a way to live things you have to live. It's only a question of timing.

“…how it would be nice if, for every sea waiting for us, there would be a river, for us. 
And someone -a father, a lover, someone- able to take us by the hand and find that river -imagine it, invent it- and put us on its stream, with the lightness of one only word, goodbye. This, really, would be wonderful. It would be sweet, life, every life. And things wouldn’t hurt, but they would get near taken by stream, one could first shave and then touch them and only finally be touched. Be wounded, also. Die because of them. Doesn’t matter. But everything would be, finally, human. It would be enough someone’s fancy -a father, a lover, someone- could invent a way, here in the middle of the silence, in this land which don’t wanna talk. Clement way, and beautiful.
A way from here to the sea.”  (Ocean Sea, A.Baricco)

It's so white this blogger page. I should start from somewhere, somewhat, somewho. For more than two years I had The Holsteen Manifesto on my wall. I left my room, my house, my place, my country and far from them I began living what it's written in.

 

Frustrating things to do after a master's degree: #1 writing an English cv :(

There was a too long series of misfortunes during the last week and I've had enough, I hope it's over.
Finally I realized I also lost my Peanuts Moleskine organizer, I'm really sad. I feel really uncertain about my thesis, literally abandoned by my professor. Why does it have to be always so hard? I would like to sleep until April, I have bellyache continually and now I'm also without my organizer :( I'm really really tired.

They call it tragedy. I call it human responsibility. Yep, I'm talking about Costa Concordia Cruise. I am from the same little place where Schettino from. Here there's a kind of unwritten code; women don't speak any word and men defend their commander, but I think they defend the life they wanna have (of course before the accident). Sincerely I think people of my place have a very closed mind and nothing can change that.
What about my thesis? I received my corrections and a lot of things to do. I study and write and study again and I can't see an end.
Above all I have the temptation to delete everything because I know I can do better. There's no time...

So I sent my thesis v.1.0 to my professor 5 minutes ago and I have to wait for correction and perhaps (for the goodness' sake NO!) re-writing everything. A part of me wants to end and looks for a job, another part is afraid of future, unemployment and wants to keep on studying economics...think positive!
Yesterday my boyfriend, my sister, her boyfriend and I watched "The Beauty and the Beast". My sister and I grew up with this film and we loved it so much. I can't explain the magic, maybe the music, maybe the love story... thousands of little girls wanted to be like Belle in 1991 and I think today is the same. This is one of my favourite Disney's animated musical-fantasy films.

Tonight it was hard staying awake and not falling asleep at 23.30. My sister and I watched circus performers on tv, in Montecarlo with the Price Alberto and his wife seems-to-be emotionless Charleen. My sister failed to uncap a spumante bottle at 0.00 to celebrate new year...that was so funny, my mother and my grandma were spleeping and they woke up just in time. Our holiday are always the same and I like this kind of tradition, I know that this could be the last one, who knows where i'll be next year?!
It' s important be with people you love, not only the first day, of course!
Be 2012 full of love, hope, success, health and time to dedicate to yourself.